day after

My thoughts are jumbled.I am so tired.. circling the drain…

Milk in the pantry cereal in the fridge kinda day.

Yesterday just totally drained and exhausted me.

.. .dehydrated me.

I could have stayed in bed all day. But I know thats not fair to Tony or the kids.

I got up and realized I hadn’t yet opened the package I got from Amazon the day before… so while trying to seem happy with the kids I did…I shouldn’t have.

It was Frozen. I had pre-ordered it for Jennifer. .. and me. We were supposed to snuggle and watch it. It was going to be a great surprise for her.. I thought I had cancelled it. .Those sudden things that knock me over are hard.

A friend came over today. Her boy ran and played with ours. That made me happy. Apparently Jonathan met them at the car. No hi or come in. Just..

“Jennifer is in heaven now”

I wonder so much whats going on in that boys head. I have all kinds of guesses as to why he said that. But obviously I cant really know..

I talked to her a lot today. Just walking past her room and saying something. Or while Jonathan and I baked gluten free banana bread I talked to her. I thought about her so much. ..it was a every moment kinda day. That was the last thing she requested to bake with me. She threw it up. Somehow I could make it and eat it today without too many tears since it was gluten free…food is just a hot button for me…

I have met a few moms along this journey.

Sometimes I talk to their kids too.

I don’t know which comes first. Is Jennifer already making connections with these children in heaven or by me meeting the parents are the kids then finding each other? Just somehow I know  these little ones are her new friends. One in particular though…I think she lead her little brother to Jennifer while she was alive. My girl was the kind to always have a “boyfriend” where ever she went. Well the one she took on in her short time in kindergarden has 4 older siblings… one who passed away. I realized today I think she put her brother in contact with Jennifer…

For me. For her mom.

I like to imagine her with other kids…her family was always number one. She was always a social butterfly. I like the idea that its only a blink of an eye in heaven.. this time we are apart. I like to think she doesn’t even notice I am gone and when I bust on the scene she will roll her eyes, saying that I can’t leave her alone for 2 minutes.

We went outside this evening, played with their stomp rocket, again just my attempt to be a good mom to boys…it just doesn’t come naturally anymore. Jennifer was the equalizer to their testosterone. I am so thankful to have Tony here with us right now. We are so blessed with the fundraising that has happened and the fact that Tony works for a phenomenal company.

My friend brought me some gifts…from friends of hers. People that have never met me. The outpouring of support is amazing. The other day we opened the door to a mat that reads “home of the brave”. No idea who it was from.  We also got a massive box of gorgeous frames from pottery barn. No idea who sent them to us though. I  say “other day” because I also have no concept of time right now…quite the opposite of my hopes for heaven. Days feel like weeks.

Thank you for all the support and help and love. The meals are so helpful…a way to avoid that fast trigger. I read all the cards we get. I read the messages on here or FB. I don’t always have the time to reply. But I appreciate it all so much.

We took Jonathan in for blood tests for allergies. He did well.. I tried very hard not to compare and refused to breathe in while they used alcohol wipe …I knew what would happen if I smelled that. .I was prepared. I avoided. Its just that today the emotions were too close to the surface I couldn’t risk it.

We are planning on a trip next week. Just Tony me and baby Charlotte. I need to get away. I need some time and some space.

We will just be together and walk and eat. And carve out the time we need to do the business plan for the non-profit. Emotionally I am 2 steps forwards 1.75 steps back…but with the non -profit I need to keep moving forward. Slowly. Taking my time…but movement.

so here is your glitter for the day. I hope you spread it…

For me it was a glitter slap in the face…

“AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY: In 2010 directed $0.01 (a penny) to childhood cancer research for every dollar of public support.  Source:ACS)” My Source:PAC2

I will add to that…go to their site. Look up how to donate. You can choose where you would like to designate your gift. Pediatric cancer ISN’T an option.