Is she winding down….???
Is it the meds????
We seriously have no idea. I think it must sound crazy that we care but we do.
Tonight we talked about if we have warning. What will we do…what do we want to do with Charlotte. And our boys.
I asked Tony how I am supposed to live again. Even the thought of driving my car seems totally overwhelming. And I want to drink so very much.
I’m not. I won’t but the desire is already so strong.
She gave me a ring maybe 7 months ago, before all of this and I fell in love with it then. I bought her a bag of jewelry at a garage sale. One ring she gave to me. It has 5 little decorative bumps in it. One for each of my loves.
Tony, Jennifer, Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte.
She would play with it all the time on my hand and make sure I was wearing it. . .Sometimes she would ask for it back, only to give it to me all over again.
Its wearing thin. I am terrified it will break.
…cuz if it does so will I.
My friend took it today to see if there is anything that can be done for it. We found out its bronze. So I think the only option is to make a mold and make a new one.
But damnit I don’t want a fake one. I want the real one….
I am irrationally upset. But I think its because its just like this. I don’t want memories and pictures. I want the real thing. I want HER. Every day.
I don’t want to be meeting her again. . . waiting. . . counting down the days. Far far too many days.
I want father daughter dances… and graduations and fights with her.
She is so small now. Moving her it feels like a skeleton. She is just bones covered tightly by skin. Except for her face. Maybe its her youth or the occasional steroid treatment but her face is still somewhat full and she still looks like Jennifer.
I am 5ft. I have small hands. They can fit around her bicep.
We cannot believe she is still here actually. How she can survive like this?
But she is. She isn’t ready quite yet.
And neither are we. But we want to do the best for her always. Its such a abnormal line to walk. ..
Whats the best way for her to die?