worth it

midnight

I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing...

now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment.

now I want to avoid sleep.

I don’t want to wake up without her.

When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath

…her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her…

I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both.

ever ever again

I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell of my child. I never knew how special that was. What a gift their own personal scents are.

she said heaven smells like watermelon...my heaven smells like her.

I long for it … right now I long for the relief that I feel my death is sure to bring.

3 sleeping.. 3 living still… how can I be celebrated by them tomorrow…so undeserving . i should be swimming in appreciation for what i have.

now this is playing

her death had a smell. A distinct smell… It has destroyed me a few times since February 12th. I hate it.. but when I smell it I breath in deeply…

Where are my good memories? Why am I so haunted?

I don’t often miss her as a baby.. but tonight I do. I miss the promise that the earliest years held.. I don’t often cry looking at earlier pictures of her. tonight I am.